When I start feeling overwhelmed, it comes out of nowhere. It’s not a gradual build up of stress that finally crescendos into that feeling where you think you have lost control of everything. It just hits me out of the blue- BAM. It feels like my heart is fluttering. It feels like I can’t function or accomplish anything. But of course I have to function. It’s not like this feeling grabs me on the weekend when I am relaxing at home doing a puzzle. It gets me when I’m driving home after work to teach five piano lessons. It gets me in the middle of a second grade music class when one kid drops their box of 24 crayons, another kid is whining to go to the bathroom, and the next class of students is at the door already because I’m running late.
I’m a mess right now. I forgot about a piano lesson I rescheduled and wasn’t home when the family showed up at my house. I double booked Paul and I for two different get togethers this weekend and had to cancel on one of them. I have a dear friend who is visiting from out of state and I can barely make time in my schedule to see her. Normally I have no problem saying NO to things so I’m not overbooked, overwhelmed, stressed, etc. But right now it feels like I am not only saying no to everything but cancelling everything. Or worse yet, forgetting to even show up! I don’t like being that type of person, but that’s who I am right now.
When I feel this way, I start to dread and obsess over things I enjoy and that are supposed to make me happy and relaxed. My house is partially decorated for Christmas, but now I am worried about when I am going to have time to finish! Yes, I realize it isn’t even Thanksgiving and I have plenty of time. I’m not saying this is a logical feeling! I see all the puzzles I bought and wonder when I am going to have time to finish them. Stupid, stupid things to be worried about!
There is nothing particular going on that is making me feel more stressed than normal. The same stressors that are always part of my life are present now. It’s just I am not able to deal with the stressors like I usually can.
I feel like I write a post like this every couple months, then all these bad feelings die down and I am back to normal. I am sure that is what will happen this time as well. Writing about it is very cathartic! Oh, and believe me, I know worrying about Christmas decorations, dropped crayons, and running paces are MINISCULE problems compared to what people all over the world are dealing with. I do not intend to compare them, because they are incomparable. I know I have so many things to be thankful for and I thank my lucky stars every day for the wonderful life I have. But...
Thanks for listening!