A blog about my life, fitness and fun! (...and maybe a few cat pictures...)

A blog about my life, fitness and fun! (...and maybe a few cat pictures...)

Friday, November 20, 2015

So freaking overwhelmed.

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When I start feeling overwhelmed, it comes out of nowhere. It’s not a gradual build up of stress that finally crescendos into that feeling where you think you have lost control of everything. It just hits me out of the blue- BAM. It feels like my heart is fluttering. It feels like I can’t function or accomplish anything. But of course I have to function. It’s not like this feeling grabs me on the weekend when I am relaxing at home doing a puzzle. It gets me when I’m driving home after work to teach five piano lessons. It gets me in the middle of a second grade music class when one kid drops their box of 24 crayons, another kid is whining to go to the bathroom, and the next class of students is at the door already because I’m running late.
I’m a mess right now. I forgot about a piano lesson I rescheduled and wasn’t home when the family showed up at my house. I double booked Paul and I for two different get togethers this weekend and had to cancel on one of them. I have a dear friend who is visiting from out of state and I can barely make time in my schedule to see her. Normally I have no problem saying NO to things so I’m not overbooked, overwhelmed, stressed, etc. But right now it feels like I am not only saying no to everything but cancelling everything. Or worse yet, forgetting to even show up! I don’t like being that type of person, but that’s who I am right now.

When I feel this way, I start to dread and obsess over things I enjoy and that are supposed to make me happy and relaxed. My house is partially decorated for Christmas, but now I am worried about when I am going to have time to finish! Yes, I realize it isn’t even Thanksgiving and I have plenty of time. I’m not saying this is a logical feeling! I see all the puzzles I bought and wonder when I am going to have time to finish them. Stupid, stupid things to be worried about!

There is nothing particular going on that is making me feel more stressed than normal. The same stressors that are always part of my life are present now. It’s just I am not able to deal with the stressors like I usually can.

I feel like I write a post like this every couple months, then all these bad feelings die down and I am back to normal. I am sure that is what will happen this time as well. Writing about it is very cathartic! Oh, and believe me, I know worrying about Christmas decorations, dropped crayons, and running paces are MINISCULE problems compared to what people all over the world are dealing with. I do not intend to compare them, because they are incomparable. I know I have so many things to be thankful for and I thank my lucky stars every day for the wonderful life I have. But...


Thanks for listening!

22 comments:

  1. The thing about anxiety is that it often has no logic to support it. I've tried to explain to Matt what a panic attack is like, and the fact that logically you know there's no danger and no reason to feel panicked, yet your body's chemicals and your brain just decide to act like there is anyway. It's had to explain it to someone who's never had one. And I think anxiety is similar - we can try to use logic to get out from under it, but at the end of the day, your body and mind have decided to feel anxious and all you can do it ride out the storm.

    I find it does help, especially if my anxiety is about time management, to sit down with a calendar and make sure everything is laid out in front of me on paper. Not on my phone, but where I can physically see it. If the anxiety is due to other things, like money, or health, etc, back out of social plans and such in order to relieve stress in other areas in the hope that it will help relieve other stress as well.

    Anyway, you're not alone! And I hope you feel better soon...luckily, it's almost the weekend, and it sounds like you need it!

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    1. Oh man I DO need it. Like I told Cheryl, I have nothing planned after work today and that is going to be my reward for getting through the day. I said "no" to everything that was going on tonight. I'm glad I did.

      Thank you for explaining panic attacks and anxiety so well. I don't know WHAT was going on in my brain when that kid dropped their crayons, but all of a sudden I was just like, "I CAN'T do this." But I had to do it lol. (It being teach.)

      It is so funny that you said that sitting down and writing your schedule out on paper helps because that is EXACTLY what I did yesterday. I blocked out every day leading up to Thanksgiving. We are so alike because that helps me IMMENSELY.

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    2. I'm in the same boat, I am constantly writing down my schedule because it helps me feel a million times more calm. It drives Adam crazy because he is not a schedule type person, but I like having a schedule and sticking to it to a tee. The only times I feel okay about breaking my schedule is when I specifically penciled something in as not mandatory. It sounds ridiculous but it's true!

      Adam just reminded me tonight of a time - years ago - when we were supposed to go to Barnes and Noble at 8pm. By 8:10pm we hadn't left out and I was going crazy. He was like "what the heck is wrong with you?" but like ... we planned to go at 8pm!!

      I think he brought it up because I was just saying to him a couple of days ago that I was really happy because I haven't had a panic attack in a really long time. I used to have them so often, but having a schedule really helps keep them at bay for me.

      You are definitely not alone! There are plenty of us out there meticulously writing out schedules to calm our anxiety! ;)

      I really hope things start calming down and feeling better for you very, very soon. Hopefully Thanksgiving and getting to spend extra time with family this week will help!

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    3. Thanks for sharing that! You are right, extra down time over break is going to help. Hell, this weekend helped pretty much because we had barely anything scheduled!

      Oh girl, I am glad you are not freaking out about being 10 min late for Barnes and Noble anymore!!!

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  2. TGIF! I get this way too, and of course, it isn't the "big" things that get me anxious, but it shows in obsessing over the little things. You have a lot on your plate right now. Take time to breathe! Hug Paul, snuggle with the kitty's, and have a glass of wine. It will help! Thinking of you...

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    1. Thanks Cheryl! I have NOTHING to do after school today (since I said NO to everything that is going on) and I am so, so happy. It's the reason I went to work today lol.

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  3. Anxiety really has no rhyme or reason. So it makes sense that it would get you at particularly bad times. I didn't have anxiety until I went to grad school, but then it reared it's ugly head. It would wake me in the middle of the night or render me breathless during work. I hated it. That was part of the reason I got into long distance running. Try to take a few minutes for yourself and breathe. Maybe take a gentle yoga class. ��

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    1. Anxiety didn't lead me to running but I sure am happy it is something I enjoy. Having that "me" time first thing in the morning is the only drug I need to feel centered. Yoga is not for me at this time, but I do enjoy doing my stretches after I run while watching the Today Show and petting my cat hehe. That's as close to a yoga class as I can get!

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  4. It's not lost on me that you are under a tremendous amount of stress with all that Paul has been going through. In times like these, we are "all in" for the big stuff and then when we can let down, real life comes in and can end up causing an incredible amount of anxiety. Another observation I have made for myself is that as I get older sometimes the things I used to do in the past don't bring me the amount of joy they used to and I then either let it go or have a scaled down version of it. I have done this a lot w/ the holidays in the past 10 years. I love them so much but I really have learned the things that bring me the most happiness and I let go of all the rest.

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    1. I think that is why I completely shut down when the kid dropped their crayons... I have my shit together for BIG stuff but not crayon dropping!

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  5. I like Susan's thoughts.
    I am so much like that Megan. I will get into spells where I am like a swirling mess. It comes on - boom! and often leaves like that, just like you said.
    I do think you have a lot to deal with right now, and I know that it has been on-going, but you are throwing travel to Baltimore in the mix, that is a lot!!
    Hang in there! At least you have a few days off coming soon! I know you need more, but maybe it will help you to regroup.
    Hugssss!

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  6. I tend to have anxiety of the small stuff ( but at the time it doesn't seem small to me) but like you said, compared to "real" problems other people have, it's so miniscule!

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    1. I try to remind myself of that but at the time it doesn't SEEM small. A few hours later I can recognize that and be okay with it though.

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  7. Ah, not sure how I missed this post this morning! I totally relate to everything you say. Totally. And we all have our own overwhelming issues and we really can't compare them to anyone else because that would be invalidating our feelings! And the only way we can change our issues is by acknowledging our feelings first and then working on minimizing the stress. I dunno. And I drink.

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  8. Looks like you and I are on the same cycle. Anxiety girl is here too! And we haven't even gotten to the holidays yet! Yikes...

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    1. Let's print that first image out of Anxiety Girl and tape it to our classroom/exam rooms just to warn people!

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  9. Hang in there my friend! It's definitely a stressful time of year. Try to breathe and focus on now. Today. You can get through this. Wish I were closer I'd come help you. xo

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  10. Hey Megan
    I got some great words from a counselor a few years ago. I made a comment similar to yours that my problems were minor compared to what others were going through. She quickly and very firmly told me that my problems mattered and that it was ok and very normal to have problems and that I needed to own them. You do have a lot of shit going on in your life. Own it girlie!
    This second half is just a theory of mine: You are tough but you do have stuff to deal with so the smaller, controllable and manageable things sometimes seem overwhelming to you. I think they overwhelm you on occasion because you can control them but there are other things that you just cannot fix/finish. It is your way of dealing and it is fine. Never fail to give yourself credit for all that you do.

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    1. Oh thank you Donna. That is a running theme that people who are smarter than me have told me after reading this... often we hold our shit together for the big stuff and then the small stuff is like UNMANAGEABLE. I don't know why I didn't think of that myself, but it totally makes sense!

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