I kept waiting to feel confident.
I kept waiting to feel strong.
I kept waiting to feel like I was improving.
Weeks went by, and I didn't feel any of these things. It all came to a head on Sunday when I stopped to stretch during a 10 miler and I ended up sobbing in the grass. I've never cried during a run before. Something was wrong.
What I couldn't figure out was whether this feeling was normal during Hansons training. One of the main elements of the program is the concept of cumulative fatigue. Am I actually improving, but I can't tell due to the heat, humidity, and cumulative fatigue of it all? Or am I not improving at all? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO TELL?????
Okay, let's not focus on what I don't know. Let's focus on what I do know.
Some things I know FOR SURE...
I am not a 6 day a week runner and I was STUPID to think I could be one for 18 weeks.
I am not a high mileage runner and I was STUPID to think I could be one for 18 weeks.
I drank the Kool Aid. I got very excited reading the Hansons book and I thought as long as I followed the "rules" my body would feel strong and I would improve. I ran all the easy runs easy. I kept my paces in check on speed and tempo days. I ate good food. I slept. I stretched. I was a good little runner. My body still said... "NOPE."
I should have trusted in myself! I earned my current marathon PR by running 4-5 days per week, and there is no way I was running more than 40 mpw.
I am okay with not running the marathon on September 11th. There are lots of other marathons.
However, I do feel regret for wasting 3 months of my life following a training plan that has done jack shit for me other than given me a bad ass runners tan. **Note: I am not blaming the plan. Every person I know has had success with Hansons. My body is just not made for it.
I'm definitely leaning toward not running the marathon. I've trained for lots of marathons and the only time I felt more unprepared than now was when I ran Boston less than 3 months after knee surgery. I know I could run for "fun", but right now running a marathon does not sound like FUN!
I think there is a half I could bump down to, but I don't really feel like running a half.
I just don't feel like RUNNING.
I better get my shit together, or I'll have to change my blog name to Meg Go Lay On The Couch.