I have mentioned before that I started blogging in June, 2013. However, it turns out I kind of had a blog before that. When I was in my early 20s, I had a Live Journal account. I totally forgot about it and/or didn't think it existed anymore. But a few weeks ago, an old college friend messaged me with my Live Journal address. Wow. What a trip back memory lane. I read all about my senior year of college, my student teaching experience, and then of course, substitute teaching after I graduated.
There are a few overarching themes I discovered as I read through these “journal” entries from 2003-2005. First of all, I spent A LOT of time with my friends. I was always writing about the fun things we did together and signed most entries, “love my palsies!”
Another thing I noticed is that when I wrote an entry, I was either really high about something exciting (usually hanging out with friends) or really low (usually bummed about living so far away while student teaching and missing people). Typical behavior from a gal in her early 20s.
One thing that mortified me is that I was so open in my entries. You think I’m open on my blog now? Think again. I can’t even believe that stuff I wrote was OUT there for the whole internet to read. I say “was” because after I backed up my Live Journal in a word document, I deleted the account. Believe me, it is for the best!
In some ways, I haven’t changed much in the past ten years. This is what I wrote in 2005 when I was substitute teaching:
“After school I have NOTHING to do- I can’t wait!”
Wow, that is still so me. Except I usually have something to do after school, which is why I get so excited if I don’t!
It’s amusing to see how I predicted the future… One day, I wrote:
“I am not one of those girls that needs a boyfriend… but lately, I really want someone to have fun with and do nice things for. Maybe I should just get a cat and be done with it.”
At times, I got sad reading my entries. Especially when I discovered that my disordered eating and unhealthy thoughts on food, exercise, and body image were in full force during this time period. The following are things I actually wrote in my Live Journal, for everyone to read.
“I totally broke my diet yesterday at the party. I ate four ice cream sandwiches. I'm a glutton. I deserve to be fat.”
“Man I pigged out this weekend. I do every weekend. I barely eat during the week then Fri-Sun is gorge, gorge, gorge. I have to stop being so extreme in my eating behaviors....”
“I'm going to bed soon cause I want to be all rested up since the first thing I'm gonna have to do in the morning is go running. BLAH. I hate exercising.”
“I just had a cobb salad from McDs and also a yogurt parfait. I am now hungry again. I should become bulimic.”
Are you cringing as much as I am right now? Wow. Who was I? Now, not every entry was like this, these are just some “highlights” from three years worth of entries. But still, I cannot believe the disdain I had for myself and my body.
I can't believe it, but I can remember it. I remember when I was scared to be hungry. I thought about food and calories and all that "fat" on my body every minute of every day. I have no clue why. I don't even know what caused these thoughts in the first place. There was nothing in my childhood or my upbringing that would lead me to believe I wasn't good enough. In fact, the number one thing I was taught was to be CONFIDENT and STICK UP FOR MYSELF.
I think maybe I was just wired that way. It was my default. I had to work at having healthy thoughts about food, exercise, and body image.
Have you ever read old journal entries? What did you discover about yourself?
Do you think it's possible that disordered eating and unhealthy thoughts are someone's default or do you think something had to have a hand in causing it... whether it be peers, the media... anything?