This is a completely random post, but my heart has been heavy today. Usually when I am sad, talking about things makes me feel better, so here it goes.
I really miss our kitty, Basic. (Otherwise known as Baser, Baser Girl, or Basey Girl.) We lost her on October 21, 2013. That was 905 days ago. The day we had to say goodbye to Basic was one of the worst days of my life. I didn't want to get up the next day. The pain, guilt, and grief was strong and lasted a long time.
It's been 905 days and I still remember what her thick, coarse fur felt like. I remember what it felt like to have her little darting tongue lick my forehead. I even remember what her agitated growl sounded like.
One of the perks of the passing of time is that the pain eases... for the most part. As long as I can force myself not to think about that day when she closed her eyes for the very last time (dang it I can't even type that sentence without crying), I can talk about her fondly without getting too sad.
We have Basic's cremains that we keep on a table in the music room. Her picture is sitting right next to her. I dust her little box more than I dust the house. Sometimes I give her a kiss when I walk by and even give her a kiss before we leave for vacation. I don't believe in heaven or a rainbow bridge, so I know Basic doesn't know I'm giving her a kiss. It's just kind of a respect thing. She was important to us for so long and it just doesn't seem right to act like she never existed. 905 days later and I am still pretty sure I will kiss her goodbye before we leave for vacation this summer.
The reason I have been thinking about Basic is because I had a horrible dream about her on Monday night. In my dream, she had a new owner. I don't know why she didn't live with Paul and I anymore, but she lived with someone else. We heard from her new owner that she was very sick and he wouldn't let us see her one last time before she died. In the dream, I was screaming and crying and demanding that he let us see her, but he would not. There was no closure to the dream. I woke up when Christmas hopped up on the bed and curled up under my arm. He unintentionally saved me from that horrible nightmare.
The thing I hate most about dreams is that I feel so deeply when I am in them. That pain and grief I felt in my dream... I hadn't felt that since right after Basey died. It is a horrible, horrible feeling that the passage of time is supposed to make go away... until you have a nightmare and those feelings are stirred back up again. I wanted to tell Paul about the dream but I can't because he misses Basey too and it would just make him sad. She was his girl for longer than he even knew me. If losing Basic sucked for me, it sucked a thousand times more for him. Writing this post helped because it let me have an ugly, hot, head pounding cry. I think I just needed that.
So that's why I'm sad. I know many of you have lost animals you have loved, so you know what I'm talking about. Unfortunately, it's not a special feeling, but a feeling that so many of us have experienced.