This is a completely random post, but my heart has been heavy today. Usually when I am sad, talking about things makes me feel better, so here it goes.
I really miss our kitty, Basic. (Otherwise known as Baser, Baser Girl, or Basey Girl.) We lost her on October 21, 2013. That was 905 days ago. The day we had to say goodbye to Basic was one of the worst days of my life. I didn't want to get up the next day. The pain, guilt, and grief was strong and lasted a long time.
It's been 905 days and I still remember what her thick, coarse fur felt like. I remember what it felt like to have her little darting tongue lick my forehead. I even remember what her agitated growl sounded like.
One of the perks of the passing of time is that the pain eases... for the most part. As long as I can force myself not to think about that day when she closed her eyes for the very last time (dang it I can't even type that sentence without crying), I can talk about her fondly without getting too sad.
We have Basic's cremains that we keep on a table in the music room. Her picture is sitting right next to her. I dust her little box more than I dust the house. Sometimes I give her a kiss when I walk by and even give her a kiss before we leave for vacation. I don't believe in heaven or a rainbow bridge, so I know Basic doesn't know I'm giving her a kiss. It's just kind of a respect thing. She was important to us for so long and it just doesn't seem right to act like she never existed. 905 days later and I am still pretty sure I will kiss her goodbye before we leave for vacation this summer.
The reason I have been thinking about Basic is because I had a horrible dream about her on Monday night. In my dream, she had a new owner. I don't know why she didn't live with Paul and I anymore, but she lived with someone else. We heard from her new owner that she was very sick and he wouldn't let us see her one last time before she died. In the dream, I was screaming and crying and demanding that he let us see her, but he would not. There was no closure to the dream. I woke up when Christmas hopped up on the bed and curled up under my arm. He unintentionally saved me from that horrible nightmare.
The thing I hate most about dreams is that I feel so deeply when I am in them. That pain and grief I felt in my dream... I hadn't felt that since right after Basey died. It is a horrible, horrible feeling that the passage of time is supposed to make go away... until you have a nightmare and those feelings are stirred back up again. I wanted to tell Paul about the dream but I can't because he misses Basey too and it would just make him sad. She was his girl for longer than he even knew me. If losing Basic sucked for me, it sucked a thousand times more for him. Writing this post helped because it let me have an ugly, hot, head pounding cry. I think I just needed that.
So that's why I'm sad. I know many of you have lost animals you have loved, so you know what I'm talking about. Unfortunately, it's not a special feeling, but a feeling that so many of us have experienced.
She's beautiful and will stay in your heart forever. Our pets really do come into our lives and change them. We are better for having them. Hugs, friend.
ReplyDeleteThanks Susan. :)
Delete:-( This post made me cry. Pets are truly family and they leave such a void when they are gone. The thought of losing Elly makes my heart so heavy and I just can't imagine how I'll deal with that. She is like my child and I love her with every bit of myself. I'm sorry that you are feeling sad about your kitty. Feel better and give one of your cats a good snuggle in Basey's honor.
ReplyDeleteAw sorry to make you cry. It made me cry too. :) The way you feel about Elly is how I feel about Christmas and Jelly. I try not to live in fear, but I do really really dread the day they are not here anymore.
DeleteAww! I'm sorry for your loss! Pets take a spot in our hearts and stay there!
ReplyDeleteI was thinking of my doggy Cordelia last night, because we recently lost our other Doggy Rita. I was thinking of doing a post on Cordelia, she didn't pass, I just haven't seen her... kina lost custody of her in the divorce.
I am so sorry to hear of the passing of Rita. :( And I am sorry you lost custody of Cordelia. Paul and I joke that we can never get divorced because of "the cats" haha.
DeleteI feel you. I'm missing my Cleo--guess it never goes away. We're getting a puppy in May, and it feel weird. I'm ready for another dog, tho.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are ready for another dog. I bet your house seems so empty without Cleo! I am sorry you had to lose her. :(
DeleteDid you have cats before you met Paul? Basic is beautiful and it's so nice that you still think of her daily. I am the same with Leo. My mom commissioned an artist to create a hand drawing of my first cat, Leo, as a Christmas gift for me a long time ago. I came across it when we moved last year and I hung it up. It makes my heart happy remembering him as a beautiful, strong, healthy cat. (And now I'm crying at work....!!)
ReplyDeleteI did not have cats before Paul. We had mice and a rabbit and a snake growing up haha. We weren't really a "pet" family. My love of animals really began with Christmas and then Jelly a couple months later.
DeleteAww I am sure you miss Leo the same way I miss Basey. I wish they could live forever.
Awww I had a rabbit before leo! She wasn't cuddly at all... Kind of viscous to be honest, haha!
DeleteI wish they could too, but Leo also was in such a bad state at the end with renal failure. I hope he was comforted by the fact that I held him when they did the injection. Feeling his last breath was the most heart breaking moment of my life though.
When I look back in hindsight now, I know that Cecil was born right after also passed. If Leo hadn't left us we probably wouldn't have adopted Cecil and I'm glad we have him. As Adam always says we can only give pets the best life possible and know they were happy with us, and then it's our job to do the same thing again when the time is right.
When I am not all weepy and in a good mood, I tell Paul the same thing Adam tells you- that when our cats are gone that just means there are going to be two more (maybe three or four!!!?? :) ) kitties that get to come live with us and have the best life ever!
DeleteShe is a sweetie. Awe. Grief shows up whenever the eff it wants to, in layers, I guess. Layer by layer. :( Glad you got that layer off, and the cry out. Hugs to you, my friend. xo
ReplyDeleteThanks girl. It sure can rear it's ugly head whenever! I hope that good cry lasts me awhile!
DeleteI'm sorry about your kitty. :( She looks beautiful, shame she is gone. I was with my kitty last year when they put her to sleep, and that was the toughest thing ever, although I knew it was the humane thing to do. Bawled my eyes out for the longest time. She had cancer and was getting worse day by day. So, so sad. It does make you appreciate the love of those you have with you even more, so that is about the only silver lining I think!
ReplyDeleteYes, I certainly cherish every moment with Chrissy and Jelly. Whenever Chrissy pees in the corner and we get annoyed, I tell Paul, "Someday we will wish Chrissy was here destroying our house!" which is the absolute truth!
DeleteI agree, even though you know you have to do the humane thing, watching them be put to sleep is HORRIBLE.
This is such a lovely tribute. I think sometimes people forget how much pets truly mean to us. And then we feel a little bit strange if we mourn them a long time after they've left us. But I know that the pain of losing a pet lasts forever. They are truly our family members and our children. I'm sorry that you had a dream that affected you after you woke up; I definitely know how that is, especially when it comes to dreams about pets. It sounds like Basic was a very lucky and well loved cat.
ReplyDeleteI know you get it Ali. I thought about you and Archie when I wrote this too.
DeleteAwww, I'm sorry Meg. I still remember when we had to put down our family dog, 4 years ago now, after we'd had her for 13 years. I still miss her sometimes and wish she were still here, and I can't see a reddish colored golden retriever without thinking about her. Basey was lucky to have you and Paul!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Hanna. She was super lucky to have us, I have to agree. :) I'm sorry for the loss of your family dog. It is so sad to say goodbye.
DeleteWhat a gorgeous cat! It is bittersweet to dream about lost pets, isn't it? I dreamed about my dog for many years after he died. Sometimes it made me sad, but sometimes happy - he would poke his head around corners in unrelated dreams and seem to smile at me.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter asked me just last night when she could have a pet. I told her that she is too young to care for a pet, it would be too much extra work for me, blah blah. But I was thinking I'm not sure I should introduce her so soon to the fullness of it - how attached we become, how much we love them, and how much they love and attach to us.
Aw I am glad you had some happy dreams about your dog. :) This is going to sound crazy but I never have any happy dreams about Basey OR my cats that are still with us. They are always sad dreams. I have problems.
DeleteI am sure you will make the right decision on when to introduce a pet to your daughter. It is definitely a wonderful relationship kids can have with pets. But of course a lot of work for you!
I don't think you have problems, you have cats! It is easier to imagine that a dog is smiling :-).
DeleteThis is my dream challenge to you: purring sounds and feels.
LOL @ your cat/dog smiling comment!
DeleteI'm so sorry about that sad dream about your father. :( I can just picture it. I know that guilty feeling! I feel guilty that we had Basey put down at the vet and didn't have the vet come to our house to do it. I can't even think about it.
ReplyDeleteAwwww, so sorry. I can relate. I had a black cat named Miles. Best cat ever. I rescued him from a farm and there was always something not quite right about him...but if I hugged him and cuddled him, he would literally sit on my lap forever. I'm talking hours - until he reeeaaallllyyyy had to use his box - then right back on my lap. He would just lay with me and purr, and was the sweetest thing. I woke up and found him dead one day :( It was traumatic and horrible, and the vet thinks it was cardiomyopathy. That was over a year ago and I still miss him so much!!
ReplyDeletePoor Miles! :( That sounds absolutely horrible. He sounds like he was a very, very sweet kitty. It's so sad.
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