I have mentioned before that I started blogging in June, 2013. However, it turns out I kind of had a blog before that. When I was in my early 20s, I had a Live Journal account. I totally forgot about it and/or didn't think it existed anymore. But a few weeks ago, an old college friend messaged me with my Live Journal address. Wow. What a trip back memory lane. I read all about my senior year of college, my student teaching experience, and then of course, substitute teaching after I graduated.
There are a few overarching themes I discovered as I read through these “journal” entries from 2003-2005. First of all, I spent A LOT of time with my friends. I was always writing about the fun things we did together and signed most entries, “love my palsies!”
Another thing I noticed is that when I wrote an entry, I was either really high about something exciting (usually hanging out with friends) or really low (usually bummed about living so far away while student teaching and missing people). Typical behavior from a gal in her early 20s.
One thing that mortified me is that I was so open in my entries. You think I’m open on my blog now? Think again. I can’t even believe that stuff I wrote was OUT there for the whole internet to read. I say “was” because after I backed up my Live Journal in a word document, I deleted the account. Believe me, it is for the best!
In some ways, I haven’t changed much in the past ten years. This is what I wrote in 2005 when I was substitute teaching:
“After school I have NOTHING to do- I can’t wait!”
Wow, that is still so me. Except I usually have something to do after school, which is why I get so excited if I don’t!
It’s amusing to see how I predicted the future… One day, I wrote:
“I am not one of those girls that needs a boyfriend… but lately, I really want someone to have fun with and do nice things for. Maybe I should just get a cat and be done with it.”
Hahahahaha!
At times, I got sad reading my entries. Especially when I discovered that my disordered eating and unhealthy thoughts on food, exercise, and body image were in full force during this time period. The following are things I actually wrote in my Live Journal, for everyone to read.
“I totally broke my diet yesterday at the party. I ate four ice cream sandwiches. I'm a glutton. I deserve to be fat.”
“Man I pigged out this weekend. I do every weekend. I barely eat during the week then Fri-Sun is gorge, gorge, gorge. I have to stop being so extreme in my eating behaviors....”
“I'm going to bed soon cause I want to be all rested up since the first thing I'm gonna have to do in the morning is go running. BLAH. I hate exercising.”
“I just had a cobb salad from McDs and also a yogurt parfait. I am now hungry again. I should become bulimic.”
Are you cringing as much as I am right now? Wow. Who was I? Now, not every entry was like this, these are just some “highlights” from three years worth of entries. But still, I cannot believe the disdain I had for myself and my body.
I can't believe it, but I can remember it. I remember when I was scared to be hungry. I thought about food and calories and all that "fat" on my body every minute of every day. I have no clue why. I don't even know what caused these thoughts in the first place. There was nothing in my childhood or my upbringing that would lead me to believe I wasn't good enough. In fact, the number one thing I was taught was to be CONFIDENT and STICK UP FOR MYSELF.
I think maybe I was just wired that way. It was my default. I had to work at having healthy thoughts about food, exercise, and body image.
Have you ever read old journal entries? What did you discover about yourself?
Do you think it's possible that disordered eating and unhealthy thoughts are someone's default or do you think something had to have a hand in causing it... whether it be peers, the media... anything?
So funny that you found that account! I remember having to keep a journal for one of my classes in college. I've went back and read it many years later and it's so funny to see what I thought was important back then!
ReplyDeleteI think an old journal is such a priceless thing for us to have!
DeleteI've never had a journal of any kind but I am pretty happy about that, just the idea of seeing old IM messages would make me cringe haha.
ReplyDeleteIM oh my word.... I totally remember that!
DeleteWow, you are so strong to have pushed through that and come out on the other side with a healthy and positive attitude! We need to tell our stories so we know we're not alone/crazy with the struggle!
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy that your image has changed regarding exercise and body image. You are a beautiful, strong woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
ReplyDeleteI am so happy too! What a difference 10 years makes.
DeleteI had a livejournal too! Funny how that used to be such a popular site and then it went the way of MySpace :) I actually wish I could still see my old MySpace page and read some of the comments, but I deleted it in 2006!
ReplyDeleteIt was probably for the best! Anything ANYONE said 10 years ago is prob safe to delete!
DeleteOh wow how we change throughout the years! I'm still in my younger 20's so I know I'll look back in a few years and wonder what I was thinking! It's always fun to take a trip down memory lane!
ReplyDeleteThe thing is though, I read your blog and just one or two other blogs written by girls in their early 20s, and you gals have your SHIT together. Seriously. I would not be reading blog by people 10 yrs younger than me (no offense) unless they had their shit together. Because I don't have time to read that!
DeleteI started blogging when I was 15 over at Xanga, which I couldn't believe still exists. I had two blogs over there. One from when I was 15-18 which is just me whining about stupid high school drama (boys) and the second was from 18-22 when I was dating the love of my life and then we broke up. Both are pretty negative and hard for me to read.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you're in a much healthier space now. You are beautiful.
Xangaaaaaaaaaaaa! That's where I moved after livejournal. Aren't we so lucky we don't have to relive the ast 10 yrs of our life???
DeleteI had an LJ too...actually, I had two. One for "yay funsies!" posts and one that dealt with my depression and eating disorder in college. I made some really great, supportive friends through the latter, so I don't regret it, but I'm glad all those entries are locked! I should probably delete my "fun" account though, since it's public and I'm sure I posted totally inappropriate things, like underage drinking haha.
ReplyDeleteWhat a rebel! Mine was more like swearing and talking smack on people hehe.
DeleteOH man I have blog posts from various blogs (some private, some not) spread out all over the entire blogosphere! One day I'll have to sit down and try and get them all in one place so I have a journal of that time. I'm glad I used to keep actual journals when I was younger because they are easier to find. :)
ReplyDeleteI have three running themes throughout my journaling career. :) 1. I was apparently never good with money because I was always complaining about never having enough. OK, I'm better with money, but don't make what I use to make. :( 2. I was always complaining about being "fat" too and wanting to workout more. Happy to say I changed that behavior! 3. I was always sad because I thought boys didn't like me or think I'm pretty. Um yeah, some things haven't changed. I still go no man dammit! :)
It's so funny to look back, ins't it? Well maybe not funny but interesting.
It certainly IS interesting. I have some pencil/paper journals as well. They are much more private than what I wrote online.
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