This summer, Paul and I went to a social event. We had a great time! I saw old friends and made some new friends. The entire evening was enjoyable.At one point in the evening, I was sitting at a table with a couple other people, just kind of chilling out, and in a sarcastic tone, a guy said to me, "You look like you're having a blast."
Now, three years ago, I would have smiled and put on an animated face and reassured this dude that I was having a great time. Because I'm a woman. And as a woman, I'm always supposed to look happy, approachable, and beautiful, right?
But not 2018 Megan. 2018 Megan said to him, "No, this is just my Resting Bitch Face."
It caught the dude off guard (which was my goal) and he assured me, "Oh yeah, I have resting bitch face too."
I was super proud of my retort, but a week later, when I was thinking about the incident, I regretted it. Resting Bitch Face is such a sexist term! Why did I even use that term? Of course I wanted to make a point to him that it wasn't my job to look happy, but how could I have conveyed that without resorting to the sexist term of Resting Bitch Face?
If I could redo that moment, I would reply, in total deadpan, "No... this is just my face... but are YOU having a good time!?"
Remember ladies, just because you aren't smiling, doesn't mean you look like a "bitch". Also, it's not your job to perform for other people and convey the emotions you think they want to see from you.
And if a dude tells you to smile... please just tell him to fuck off.
How would you have handled the situation?
What do you do when a man tells you to smile?
What do you do when a man tells you to smile?
Well said my friend. I have reached the point where I simply answer the question blandly and keep on chilling. It takes practice to simply BE. We have so much "training" to undo. I was the girl in highschool that told others to smile, not realizing I needed them to bolster my own. As you let go of all of those expectations it gets easier to be real and feels very natural. You'll soon reach a point where trying to force an unfelt smile will feel so wrong that you'll never feel the need to do it again. 😊
ReplyDeleteWe do have some training to undo, I agree! I am always careful of how I speak to the students at school... there are certain sayings, stereotypes, or defaults that I can accidentally say!
DeleteI honestly think any retort to make him uncomfortable is good. It's not your job to look happy all the time. I have heard RBF called a Serious Face, or it could be my thinking face.
ReplyDeleteFor me, it's just my neutral face. When I'm not actively looking happy I just have a blah face!
DeleteI love this! I did not stop to think about this as a sexist term, ever!
ReplyDeleteI think your response was proper and called for... men need to get over this idea of women smiling to make them feel more comfortable.
Yup. And if he was truly concerned whether I was having a good time, he could have just engaged me in conversation.
DeleteHmmm, this is interesting. When I hear that term I don't think it's sexist. I think more of "fierce"! Someone you wouldn't want to mess with, because you're afraid of them. IMO it applies to men too! As for that comment "to smile", I also think it's just something someone would say to lighten up the mood. I guess I wouldn't think it's something only a guy would say to a girl. I've heard it from women too! I certainly don't think anyone has to sit around and smile... sometimes we're all just bored or not in the mood :)
ReplyDeleteThe reason I find it sexist is because the default term for someone who has a blah type of face is "bitch". And "bitch" refers to a women. So just because I am not smiling I am a bitch. And the fact that people say men have resting bitch faces just sums it up. We don't say they have resting dick face (or a male insult). It's always bitch. Just my opinion.
DeleteI recognize the movement to reclaim the word "bitch" as someone who is fierce. But why can't we just say they are fierce!?
The only person who has ever told me to smile is a man. And if someone wants me to smile, then they should say hello and say something nice to me, or make small talk. Not just order me to smile.
Resting dick face! I love that! An resting dick face sounds really ugly, I'm going to start using that!
DeleteWhy do men do that? Argh. I have had that said to me so many freakin' times. I agree with you though, the second-thought reply would have been much better, because the "resting bitch face" term just plays into their hands.
ReplyDeleteYup. But at least I thought it through and I know what to do next time!
DeleteEver since I started working from home and doing video chats with my team I've noticed I definitely have resting annoyed face! I've tried to fake smile to mask it but then I just look crazy haha!
ReplyDeleteI hate when people make comments like "you look like you're having fun." Like what kind of response are you even really supposed to give? "No really I am having fun" sounds fake and "yeah, I wish I was at home" is probably rude and "I'm alright, neither particularly happy nor unhappy" would be weird!
Haha the kids at school tell me all the time they want to go home! There was a little boy yesterday who was CLEARLY upset, like, glaring at me, arms crossed, red faced. I crouched down and said, "What's wrong?" and he said, "I want to go home home." Kids are honest! He's like, I've had enough of music class, get me out of here!
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