This past weekend, I went to see the movie A Simple Favor. The Blake Lively character was a confident and commanding woman. She sort of befriended Anna Kendrick's character, who was more awkward, shy, and high strung.
During their first meeting, Anna Kendrick said, "I'm sorry," several times, over tiny little things that one doesn't need to say sorry for. Blake Lively's character told her to stop saying she's sorry, and that it's a terrible habit that women have.
Guys, I totally do this! It is just INSTINCT to me. I guess I feel like it's a way to be polite. I don't know why I do it. I feel like I am a confidant person. Is it about confidence? What is it about?
On Sunday during my trail race, I took a wrong turn. Actually, I didn't turn when I was supposed to turn. The guy behind me said, "This way!"
"Oops, sorry!" I told him, and turned around to go the right way. After I said I was sorry, I was like... why did I apologize for going the wrong way? It didn't affect him! It wasn't like I was his trail guide or something, who vowed to lead him through the course.
Note: It is PERFECTLY acceptable to say you're sorry for actual things you should apologize for. I know when I mess up, a huge weight is lifted off my chest when I apologize and make things right.
But for the little things? Just stop! I'm going to try to see if I can stop it all together.
Do you say you're sorry for things you don't need to say you're sorry about?
When was the last time you had to legitimately apologize so someone? I apologized to my principal on Thursday. I forgot to do my afternoon duty... just straight up FORGOT! I had no idea if he noticed or not, but I just didn't feel right about it until I told him my mistake and apologized for it.
When was the last time you had to legitimately apologize so someone? I apologized to my principal on Thursday. I forgot to do my afternoon duty... just straight up FORGOT! I had no idea if he noticed or not, but I just didn't feel right about it until I told him my mistake and apologized for it.
I think I might have written here about this before, but I'm trying to make more of an effort to say "thanks" instead of "sorry" based on one of Gretchen Rubin's podcasts. It sounds like a quick "thanks!" would have been perfectly appropriate in your case, but sometimes you have to expand on the thank you a bit (thanks for your patience, thanks for understanding, thanks for taking care of the dog when I was overwhelmed with life and couldn't be bothered with me normal responsibilities... things like that, haha).
ReplyDeleteI'm willing to bet the last time I should have legitimately apologized to someone was to my husband, and I probably didn't do it!
I love Gretchen Rubin and I totally agree, most times we say "sorry" we could just say "Thanks!" and leave it at that. She is so wise.
DeleteHaha your poor husband. :)
I think saying sorry is just a nervous habit, sort of like when people chuckle when things aren't really funny. It's just out of habit or maybe a "filler".
ReplyDeleteOn a totally unrelated note, I did have to laugh when I saw you write "guys" in your 3rd paragraph. Here's why... I just read a blog where my out of state friend received a Statbucks "you are here" mug from PA and she comment on how apparently PA people say "Youze". I thought to myself that I've NEVER said "Youze" nor do I know anyone who does but I do say "guys" or " you guys". By you saying " guys" just confirmed my thoughts! Thank you!
I think "youz" is a western PA thing. I say "guys" all the time, even to my students! It's usually when I'm very exasperated like, "Guys, come on, stop talking."
DeleteI forget who does this but I have definitely experienced a small subset of folks who says "Youz guys"! That one kills me.
DeleteAnd apparently Pittsburg people say "Yinz"!
DeleteYou are absolutely right. So then who says YouZ?
DeleteI wonder if your profession of having to respond/react quickly also comes into play. Like in the instance of the race you responded by saying "oops sorry" instead of thank you without thinking and probably quickly. I used to do the same thing until we hired someone new at work a couple years ago and I noticed she always paused a second before speaking to/answering someone. It's not a long pause, like literally a second, but it's noticeable to me because it's so unusual! However, because she pauses she usually says the right thing. I've tried to adapt that!
ReplyDeleteOmg I wish I could do that. I feel like I am ON and GOING all day... moving, talking, listening. I should try this tomorrow and see how the kids respond. I feel like they will all start talking if I give them a second break hahaa.
DeleteI really try to break this habit. My sister is always "sorry" and then I hear her son say it too. I am constantly telling Kyle "you don't need to be sorry". I wonder where that came from?!
ReplyDeleteMaybe just filler like Meranda says? Total habit!
DeleteThis is so interesting to me!! Growing up, my mom hated when we apologized! So, we grew up to be unapologetic women. She would always say "I don't want you to apologize, I want you to not do what you are apologizing for!" .. She totally behavioral modificated us. Even when we would fight, she wouldn't say "apologize to your sister" she would say "promise her you won't hit her again".
ReplyDeleteIt is so complicated, because I do apologize for things, because as women, we are taught that we have to be nice and polite.... but I also had to learn to genuinely apologize when I caused pain to people, and that was a process!
Apologizing when it is completely warranted makes me feel so much better. Do you feel good when you apologize to someone when you know you messed up? I think I a good apology is more than just saying "sorry", but it's acknowledging that you hurt someone and that your actions are wrong and that you will work to make it better. It's impossible not to forgive someone when they do all of that.
DeleteSo your mom KNEW WHAT'S UP. Several months ago, I read an article about how we aren't supposed to teach kids to say "sorry" but to say "I won't do it again". Because often times kids aren't sorry! So today, in kindergarten, a kid like jumped up in the air and then landed on his butt when I told them to sit down. This is NOT appropriate behavior in my room and hit hit the girl beside him in the process because he wasn't in control of his body. So instead of making him say "sorry" I made him ask her if she's okay, and then say "I don't do that again". Now, maybe he will do it again because he has no self control, but at least I taught him to be empathetic to someone he may have hurt and then say he wouldn't do it again. And then of course there was no punishment. I think at the K level it is better to teach them to go through the motions of proper social skills. Because he did feel bad about possibly have hurting her, and that is consequence enough becaue he will learn from that. Sorry I went on and on... (OMG I JUST SAID I'M SORRY LOLLLLL!)
I say sorry all the time. I realize that it's often in situations where I have no control over the things that are happening and where I didn't do anything wrong, but I'll say I am sorry anyway, because I feel bad about the situation.
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